Guys, I don't mind telling you I'm a little peeved at you. I won't go so far as to say disappointed, but I think you can do better. I'm talking now to the young fellows, under the age of thirty or thereabouts. You guys are pretty cool most of the time, and I like almost everyone of you I meet, but you're innate uncoolness is, well....uncool. Here's why and remember, this is coming from a guy who has NEVER been cool.
High Priced Razors and Shaving Cream: Why do I pay more for razors now than I did for a full tank of gas when I was in my twenties? It's your fault. Here's the thing - the razor companies are targeting all this high priced smoothness right at you, and you guys walk around with two days of stubble on your faces, so what the heck do you need all those expensive blades for?
Don't think I don't know the answer to that question - I do know and it's uncool. It's your business, but when it starts hitting me in the wallet because you're afraid of a little razor burn where it itches, it reluctantly becomes my problem too.
You're Fat: Too many of you are at least 20 pounds heavier than you should be. Uncool. Don't deny it. And don't blame it on the beer and give it cute names like the "Freshman 15". It's you and your processed food and your lazy fat asses. It's not the beer; it's the nachos. The average dude in his twenties today looks like what we used to call the "fat guy". Don't believe me? Look at your dad's high school yearbook and see how many guys you can count in his graduating class who are as heavy as you or your friends. Now count the heavy dudes in your yearbook. I rest my case. It's not cool, and you're killing yourselves.
Personal Responsibility: Remember that scene in Good Will Hunting when Robin Williams tells Matt Damon "it's not your fault" over and over again until Matt's crying like a baby? Get ready to well up.
"It's not the beer, it's YOUR fault you're fat and in terrible shape; it's not the beer, it's not the beer..." Crying yet? Well stop it, and don't expect a hug.
Hugging it Out: Guys, did you never learn to shake hands? A good, firm handshake? What's that, your dad never taught you, and neither did your mother's boyfriend? OK, stop with the quivering lip and STOP hugging your friends like you're a couple of schoolgirls. It's unbelievably uncool.
A Full Day: If you punch a time clock and work to a schedule, enjoy your 8 hours and enjoy your paycheque because that's all you're getting. I'm sorry to say that until you get off the time clock, your career ain't a career...it's a job. Nothing wrong with that if you're not interested in a career.
What motivates you; your goals and aspirations and professional responsibilities, or a ticking clock?
Size Doesn't Matter except when you're comparing. But it's just a paycheque and some are larger than others. Don't worry about the size of your buddy's bank account, car or apartment. As long as you've got a roof over your head and you can meet your obligations, there's no need to take a job or to leave school for a job just because it pays relatively well. Concentrate on your vocation and do what you love, or do what you have to do until you can do what you love. The money will follow.
I'm not your Dad
Look, stop thinking of me as some old guy who sounds like your dad. I am; but stop. Think of me as future you coming back to warn present you. Except I can do more push ups than you can and I'm statistically likely to live to a much older age. But damn, doesn't your chinstrip face fuzzy thing look cool!
Actually, it really doesn't.
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